When Your Child Is Frightened by the News

They heard something on the radio in the car, or saw a headline over your shoulder, or somebody at school said something. And now there are questions at bedtime about war, or the climate, or whether it could happen here.

You want to tell them it is fine. You also do not want to lie to them. Those feel like the only two options and there is a better one in between.

Find out what they actually heard

Answer the question they asked rather than the one you are imagining, because children usually know less and worry about something more specific than you expect.

So ask first. What did you hear. What do you think is happening. What is the bit that worries you most.

Very often the worry is concrete and fixable: that it is happening on our street, that it is happening now, that you will have to go, that they will be alone. Those can be answered plainly, and the general dread cannot.

Tell them the truth in their size

Children can handle true things said simply. What frightens them is sensing that something is wrong and being told nothing.

So give the honest, small version. Yes, there is a war, and it is a long way from here. Yes, the planet is getting warmer, and a lot of grown-ups whose whole job this is are working on it.

Then the three things they actually want to know, said out loud whether or not they ask: you are safe, I am not going anywhere, and it is my job to look after you, not yours.

Do not promise what you cannot promise. Nothing bad will ever happen is a promise that gets found out. I will always tell you the truth and I will always look after you is one you can keep.

Match the detail to the age

A four-year-old needs almost nothing: something sad happened far away, you are safe, shall we read this.

A seven or eight-year-old wants facts and a map. Where is it, how far, who is helping.

A teenager has already seen more than you have, probably in video form, and needs a conversation rather than reassurance. They will respect I find it frightening too, and here is what I do with that, far more than it is all under control.

Turn the volume down at home

A great deal of this is logistics rather than conversation.

So notice what is on in the background. Rolling news in the kitchen, the radio on the school run, your own phone in front of them. Children absorb the tone more than the content.

Check their own feed if they have one, not as surveillance but as a conversation. What are you seeing. That is worth knowing about, since the algorithm does not care how old they are.

And keep your own reaction in view. If they see you grim and scrolling at the table, that tells them more than anything you say.

Give them something to do

Helplessness is most of what makes this heavy, for children even more than adults, and the antidote is small and concrete action.

Collect something for a food bank. Pick up litter on the walk. Write a card. Give to a collection with their own money. Plant something. Learn where their water comes from.

It will not fix the problem and it is not supposed to. It teaches them that frightening things are things people do something about, which is the most useful thing they can learn from this.

Protect the ordinary

The most stabilizing thing in a frightening week is a normal Tuesday.

So keep the routines going. Dinner at the usual time, the usual bedtime, swimming on Thursday, the same jokes. Children read safety off the pattern of the day rather than off your explanations.

Bedtime is where this tends to surface, so leave a slot earlier in the evening for the big questions, and keep the last twenty minutes dull and warm.

Watch for the signs it has gone deeper

Most worry about the news passes in days. Sometimes it settles in, and that is worth catching early.

Signs: not sleeping or coming into your bed again, stomach aches and headaches, not wanting to go to school, checking the news repeatedly, asking the same question over and over however many times you answer, or going quiet about it altogether after a period of asking.

Answering the same question for the fifteenth time is the one most parents miss. If reassurance is not sticking, more reassurance is not the answer and something else is going on.

When to get help

Please talk to your doctor or your child's school if the worry has lasted more than a few weeks, if they are not sleeping, if they are refusing school, or if reassurance stops working no matter how often you give it, because anxiety in children is common, well understood and treatable, often in a short course of sessions with a professional who works with young people. Schools usually have somebody or know who to ask, and that is a reasonable first call. And look after yourself too: if the news has your own sleep or mood down, a therapist or your own doctor is worth it, partly for you and partly because a steady adult is most of what a frightened child is reading.